My dictionary defines “devil’s advocate” as “one who argues against a cause or position, not as a committed opponent but simply for the sake of argument or to determine the validity of the cause or position.”
I overhead a co-worker today talking about a discussion he had with project managers- “I played devil’s advocate and lost.”
Of course, by now, you know that you are supposed to add “in bed” to the end of your fortune cookie fortune. My co-worker got a really funny fortune from Happy Wok the other day. I swear they made this one up for “in bed” on purpose:
Don’t force it, use the proper tool.
Apparently, alcohol is a hallucinogen. I have seen the effects on my friend when he was new to drinking: “Tim, my shoes knock on the door of morning”, “All aboard the unlimited elevator”, and other equally nonsensical phrases were uttered by him. Sadly, it seems I am affected too. After a few too many bloody marys last night, I took some notes on a post-it when I got home so that I wouldn’t forget things in the morning. One of my notes asks “What color are you?”
What train of thought leads to a ridiculous question like that?
My friend Joe, on the proper way to brush your teeth: “You have to make a ruckus in your mouth.”
Nerve has released the “Unsexy List“. My favorites:
1. Lip liner. To paraphrase David Cross: “Lip liner makes your mouth look like an asshole. You’re talking and I’m imagining six different types of shit coming out of your mouth.”
5. Lord of the Rings. The movies are fine, but did you know that if you read the trilogy three times in a year you actually get your virginity back?
11. Drinks with “sexy” names. Bar patrons who order a “screaming orgasm,” “sex on the beach,” “blow job,” or “long slow screw against the wall” are 77% less likely to get laid than the ones drinking beer. Wonder why.
18. Your cats. Attachment to a non-human mammal that doesn’t give a fuck about you bespeaks emotional damage. It’s the kind that transforms you from “alluringly quirky” to “certifiable.”
My friend Chris gets an absolutely huge kick out of this car. It is parked not far from my house. I think it might be abandoned. It is always there. Fortunately I snapped this photo before the spoiler was removed- either stolen, or the owner finally had a bout of conscience. In any case, I believe it worthy of RiceCop.
If you are reading my blog many years from now, and you look back on your “today in history” calendar, you will undoubtedly see that today was the day of the worst blackout in American history. Up to 50 million people in the Northeast are without power. It seems that not only are the streets dark, but so too the minds of young Americans-
CNN was interviewing a young woman who was getting her teeth drilled at the dentist when the power went out. “They took me to a room with some natural light so that they could finish like they would have thirty-forty years ago when they didn’t have electricity.”
My lunch neighbor was reading a newspaper today and saw that some Kennedy died. “Oh, isn’t that the one that they gave a lambadomy to?” she exclaimed to her lunch companion.
Yes- the lambadomy- the forbidden brain surgery.
A person visiting my blog got here by asking Jeeves, “can you give me some information on a pill or machine that has not been created yet?”
Poor Jeeves. He didn’t have a chance.
Jordan’s questionaire is highly deserving of being a Friday Five, even if it’s more than five questions long, and I don’t have the clout to pull it off.
[#20]
No really, why are you here?
A. I was put here to serve a nonphysical being who apparently both has a master plan and gave us free will. That reeks of contradiction to me. (2)
B. Have you seen my rock? (4)
C. It’s small and stone-like. (0)
D. I have no idea why I’m here, but I’m still going to try the best I can. (4)
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